This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
It's Chainsaw Friyay and I for one am thrilled because ... well because I can take a nap, I got pretty drunk last (night, every day this week, month, year, etc.) Before I can have a restful slumber of the two hour variety though, there is stuff that needs to be handled. For example, the next part of Angi and The Pigeon Man dropped on TaylorFlix this morning and you can't imagine the turn the story takes. For those out of the loop, Angi (played by actress Samantha Bell) moved into a new house only to discover that her next door neighbor is a pigeon racer. He has been pretty cagey (get it) about using them to gamble but since the racing season is starting soon, he has been allowing the pigeons to get out and stretch their wings and get in some warm up exercises. Que yesterday when Angi allowed her dogs to go out on her balcony and she found the pittie sticking her nose through the bars. The alluring scent that had drawn the dog like one of those old cartoons was a smoker in Pigeon Guy's house. After squinting (remember, Angi forgets her glasses all the time and had to turn down the music this morning while driving so she didn't crash off a bridge,) Angi saw short skinny things hanging in the smoker. Obviously, she wasn't sure what was being cooked but we jumped to conclusions on this show so he was clearly cooking his old pigeons! That's right, anyone who was too old or stupid to race was chopped up and sent to become squab dinner. Angi did her best aging musician in pain voiceover as she explained how the pigeons were pulled from their high rise mansion and stuffed into the smoker because they had lost their relevance. However, this updated version of Rear Window had a hilarious twist to it. As we detoured back to whether or not the meat being smoked was pigeon or not, Angi got another great (see: bonkers, mental, dingdong) idea in her ADHD brain. She assumes that since he has no remorse in eating the useless pigeons or the ones who come in last place, Angi now thinks his next step is to eat Angi, Jay the Straight and their dogs. That's right folks, we went from squab to cannibalism. Angi's delusion was propelled by the idea that he raised the pigeons from birth, nurtured them, taught them to race, had them tagged and kept track of only to allegedly eat them, it's easy to understand how he is a cannibalistic serial killer. Marris explained that beef farmers do the same but Angi would not have it, these pigeons are his friends (not just animals he raises to make money off of like the beef guy....) Angi capped this by considering asking what he was cooking but was swayed against it because if she pushes too hard, she might end up losing her chance to gamble on the races ... as well as her life when he cooks and eats her.
Other Stuff from Today's Show
Now this next part of the notes could be considered a divine two parter as they both look at organized religion, shady business practices and facilitating bad ideas that we're going to find a way to exploit. It all started with an introduction into a story by Angi offering up a shocking revelation. As you would know if you listen regularly, Angi loves mobile games like Grand Bubble Shoot and Toon Blast. You would also know that she sometimes does in-app purchases. What you'll be shocked to discover is that she spends $50 A WEEK!!! on Toon Blast. Mind you, Marris and I get it for buying games but this is a whole nother level of insanity. After begging to not be judged (good luck,) she explained at least she's not pissing away the money at the casino even though she does have that $25 chip in her purse (and will probably use it after work.) Anyway, as to why this elderly dementia patient spends $50 a week on Toon Blast, apparently it calms her down and helps reduce anxiety. To also rationalize it, Angi explained that Jay the Straight spends hundreds a month while he goes out golfing. So since she confessed her problems and or tossed her husband in front of the speeding train, Angi got to the point of why she revealed her spending habits. It seems that Jesus is not keen on covering in-app purchases because a Catholic priest recently got the boot after using the church credit card to spend $40,000 on Mario Kart Tour and Candy Crush Saga on his phone over a three year period. Marris, man of math, crunched some numbers while complaining that this priest (and Angi) could have bought a Playstation, Switch or XBox to curb the need to do stuff in video games addiction. We were able to discover with street math that Angi is a little under the priests spending only $6,000 but still, that's a lot of money even if it's for her mental health (and I question myself when I spend $15 on Fortnite skins.) She once again attempted to deflect onto how much Jay the Straight spends golfing but then explained that her in-app purchases are upgrades or if she runs out of lives and needs to buy more. Marris was livid at this point and called her bad at the game but that was dismissed because her being level 7020 is totally the reason she needs to spend. Swinging back to the church once more, it turns out the priest also was covering his Amazon bill like when he bought his goddaughter a Fire tablet. Obviously, had he spent his Catholic Priest Money and not the church card, this would be a non issue (unlike Angi's, that's a problem.) Before getting excommunicated from the church, he tried a last ditch effort of saying he accidentally used the funds. The former priest turned regular addict is now probably living under a bridge but is it really wrong to take from the tax exempt church when some pastors have private planes and Bugatti's?
Since we were already on religion, it only made sense to double dip into the holy waters when Angi was introduced to Pastafarianism. For those unfamiliar with this batshizzle bonkers religion, the 30 million! people who follow it believe that a flying spaghetti monster created the universe after getting drunk (I seriously need to look into this, I can drop being an atheist for this.) Apparently, this is also the reason why we are all flawed in some way because he was drunk when he created us. Funny enough, like every religion there is prayer and it's a bit like the Lord's Prayer: Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day, our garlic bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. Obviously, this insanity inspired Angi to suggest Marris start a religion like the Church of the Turtles since all money earned is tax exempt and he could craft an afterlife like the Pastafarins whose heaven has a beer volcano and stripper. Actually, scratch that, Angi is crafting a religion (which may or may not get revisited on Monday) that will involve her being able to get expensive cars and yachts with no government interference. I do think that our fan fictioned religious overlord though will not be a pile of spaghetti with big meatballs.
Finally, Marris revealed a kink this morning in that he loves going to the dentist and even wanted to be one for a time. I'm assuming that he's glad he didn't as Angi revealed they have the highest suicide rate among professions because people hate them so much. Perhaps the reason they are not well received has to do with what happened to a 40 year old guy in Türkiye. The man had a toothache and after having several teeth pulled, was told he needed implants. While installing one in his upper left side, the man told his dentist he was pushing too hard. The doctor ignored this and kept pushing ... until he went so hard the screw broke through the jaw and pierced the man's brain. It ended up getting lodged in his skull behind his left eye and obviously, this sent the man screaming. The dentist took the guy to the emergency room (basically tossed him on the street) and took off. There was a chance that the guy could have died during the repair surgery but since he didn't, he's not suing the dentist who wouldn't even refund the botched procedure. Needless to say, hearing this made Marris ready to skip his next scheduled visit and Angi not wanting to go to her upcoming cleaning.
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
Mon: Angi wanted to go to Antarctica
Choice: Edwin had Angi decide to pack an industrial space heater.
Result: Seeing as Angi had done pretty much everything she could on this continent, a random news story made her yearn to travel across the world. This was at least the yarn she had spun to secure funding from iHeart for her latest adventure which found her traveling to Antarctica in the off chance she would find some of the $6,000 worth of gold a volcano was spewing daily. Though she dressed appropriately, the moment she was parachuted out of the plane and onto the ice shelf with the research station, Angi found herself frozen to the point of being numb. Luckily, she was able to pack a 45,000 watt industrial space heater in her visit bag and that seemed like it would be enough to temper the chill. Trudging across the snow, Angi miraculously found an outlet (funny how those things happen) and plugged in her space heater. Almost at once the coils heated up and provided a much needed balance to the cold. However, since it was so massive, the heat was working a bit too well and suddenly the ground and ice around Angi began to melt rapidly. Before she could even react, the entire continent of Antartica had melted from Angi's poor choice and she found herself in the ice cold water. It would have been more merciful for the industrial sized space heater to have electrocuted her but instead, the water overwhelmed her and she drowned. (Dead)
Tue: Angi wanted to see a band she didn't like
Choice: Brian had Angi decide to go see Bruce Springsteen.
Determined to give a shot to a band she could absolutely not stand, Angi blindly grabbed a pair of tickets out of a pile and ended up with Bruce Springsteen. Disgusted but optimistic she might end up seeing Courtney Cox, Angi made her way to the venue and took her place on the lawn. She could have chosen seats but she decided that she wanted to be as far away from the music as possible. As Bruce kicked into the first song of his three hour set, Angi had already found herself in hell. Assuming that a little weed might help satiate the boredom she was feeling, Angi sparked up a blunt and went to town on it. However, even as the smoke tried to ease her into the noise session that was occurring before her, Angi could not find the calm she sought. It was just too boring and just as the third song had finally begun, Angi was considering leaving. However, across the lawn trudged the other object of her ire, Dave Matthews in the flesh. He walked over to Angi carrying a 50 pound bucket of human waste and expressed how furious he was that Angi chose The Boss over him. Lifting the bucket up, he dumped all the sewage on Angi's head, the thick slop so heavy it made it nearly impossible to breathe. Angi assumed that suffocating would save her from another Bruce Springsteen song and so she didn't fight it as the human waste suffocated her last breath. (Dead)
Wed: Angi wanted to do something she regretted not doing when she was younger
Choice: Brian had Angi decide to let Mötley Crüe run a train on her.
Result: Even though she was meant to have a romantic vacation across the pond with her husband in a few weeks, Angi decided that she wanted to take a moment to indulge one of her oldest fantasies. Talking to a rep and booking a flight to New York, Angi had come to terms with the idea that it was finally time to give her body over to Mötley Crüe. She was beyond excited when they agreed to allow her to be the special guest on the bang train and so she dressed in her shortest skirt and open top to showcase the girls. After arriving at the venue and taking a moment to convince herself this was going to be all she ever wanted and more, Angi headed inside and toward the green room. With a twist of a knob, she entered the room and there was Mötley Crüe in all their glory. The thing was though that this was the current Mötley Crüe. They were old, sagging, worn out and there was a human potato sitting on a chair eating a box of Cheez-Its. Suddenly, the hottest thing Angi could have fathomed suddenly turned into a vision of smashing a potato and old balls, which caused her to become nauseated. Realizing what it would have been, Angi yelled out "I forgot my Plan B in the car!" and jetted out the door, running as fast as she could to escape the venue and her disgusting fate. (Alive)
Thur: Angi wanted to stay at the X-Men mansion
Choice: Melissa had Angi decide to hire Wolverine.
Result: Though invitations were sparse, Angi was able to use her industry connections and rent out the Xavier Institute AirBNB so she and the roadies could party like comic book stars. Obviously, this was more of a move to make Marris happy but Angi didn't care as it seemed like a fun thing to do. Once the bus full of everyone arrived at the mansion, they immediately ignored all the comic lore accurate props to run right inside and start getting drunk. The party was absolutely going off and Angi even found herself enjoying hanging out with the Wolverine stand-in that she hired. As the next round of beer pong kicked off, there was a knock at the door and being the host, Angi had to answer it. Standing draped in the shadows of night was none other than Batman, who had driven all the way from Lower Wacker just to tell Angi that "Marvel sucks." "Cool..." Angi was about to slam the door in Batman's face when she noticed the Batmobile was outside the mansion. "Can we all get a picture with the Batmobile?" she asked, swaying and barely able to stand. "Sure, let me pull up," Batman said, his cape swinging as he ran down the stairs. Unfortunately, Angi didn't fully understand his intention as he pulled the Batmobile up the stairs and over her, the tires spinning on her skull as he revved up and ran over the rest of the roadies and Wolverine, killing everyone inside as he drove through all the walls. (Dead)
Fri: Angi needed some commandments for her religion
Choice: Mike had Angi decide to add "Thou shalt always swallow and never spit."
Result: With the idea that starting a religion would give her a chance to pocket extra cash to play Toon Blast, Angi knew that she would need to establish some ground rules before taking it public. Throwing together a book of loose rules, Angi's roadie based religion seemed poised to take off. After constructing a mega church on an open empty field, Angi prepared to hold her first Friday afternoon ceremony (as she was too busy on the weekends to be bothered to care about religion.) With curiosity causing the building to be packed, Angi took to the pulpit to read her first sermon. It was from the Book of INXS and it was about The Devil Inside. As the choir sang along to the spoken word tribute, The Angi Taylor Church of the Divine Roadie was captivated and clinging to each word. All of this though infuriated the actual God and he decided to get revenge. Sending down bolt after bolt of lightning, the church was hit multiple times and due to the shoddy nature of the construction, immediately caught fire. Since no one thought of how to properly get everyone out in case of an emergency, Angi and the roadies were all burned to death inside of the crumbling structure. (Dead)
Request Wars 3.5
Theme: Songs with "God, Devil or Monster" in the Title
Current Champion: Marris (3x)
Angi's Song Choice: “Shout at the Devil" by Mötley Crüe
Marris' Song Choice: "Monster" by Skillet
Winner: Angi
10 O' Clock Toast:
Toastee: Cinco De Mayo
Angi felt compelled to remind us gringos that we're not celebrating Mexican Independence (that's in Sept) for Drinko De Mayo but the victory over FRANCE!!! The holiday was turned into Mexican St. Patrick's Day by corporations because greed is king and as for a few ground rules, enjoy Mexican food, drink Mexican beer but don't throw on the outfits if you're not part of the culture.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"I love doing two things at the same time, my favorite kind of night." - Angi
"Never talk about how Taylor let you play in her "South Mouth." The person you're on a date with will run for their lives!" - Minn Barb